A tornado of emotions...
Boom, Boom, Boom,
heart thumps aggressively within the walls of my chest,
A race car makes itself at home in my lungs,
Lap after lap,
Turn after turn,
Within me I feel the racing.
The car racing inside of me makes me begin to shake,
The emotions held so tightly begin to fall,
The tears leak faster than the car within moves,
My body oh so tense.
A fearful feeling overwhelms my body,
Streams of water flow from the inside out,
My chest it tightens as I’m encapsulated by it all,
I feel too much, and oh so little,
The world spins around me,
I see everything, but feel nothing,
I listen to everything, but hear nothing,
I’m absent in a body that’s present.
As I walk through the day,
As I pass by the people,
My face says I’m not okay,
But my words and fake smile help,
As moments pass,
And chaos continues to flood my mind,
I slip away into another place.
I close the door to the bathroom,
And I slid down it,
The floor catching my all,
My head in my knees,
And a heavy heart,
A wave of emotions and I find myself sobbing.
Wipe away those tears,
Straighten up your clothes,
And back to the world I go,
Holding together the broken pieces,
Everything moves around me as I gaze to try keep up,
Nothing phases me, but everything hurts me deep.
Then once more,
The floodgates are opened,
A loving hug,
Turned me into a waterfall,
Full of emotions,
Full of gratitude,
Full of chaos,
Full of love,
What felt like a tornado ripping through my world,
Oh what a ride is life…
Are you okay? Because I don’t think I am..
We’ve been navigating an unknown world as we’ve ridden these waves of a pandemic. None of us want to hear the words Covid-19 or lockdown one more time.
We’ve navigated life and its emotions in a season of isolation, pain, tragedy and more. I live alone and returned to my life here in New Zealand right before Covid hit our shores and closed our borders,
I went straight into my part time employment as an essential worker when our country went into lockdown and I filled my days with serving our community through my church at our Foodbank on my days off. I got to work alongside some of my greatest friends and mentors and that counteracted the isolation and pain of lockdown 2020.
But as we’ve just come off the back of lockdown with Delta, I’ve struggled. I’ve still worked my fulltime essential job but it’s been tough emotionally and if I’m completely honest- I am not okay. It’s not something I’ve been fast to admit but now that I have, something in me has lifted a little.
Work has been stressful and political at times. Life alone in my little bubble with just my cat has been surprisingly lonely; I’m an introvert through and through but I’ve found it tough. I’ve been sewing masks as a fundraiser for the children’s home in South Africa that I love so much and whilst it is so gratifying, it’s made me miss my friends and family in South Africa even more!
My love languages have always fluctuated between a couple dominant ones depending on the season in my life. Before I arrived in South Africa, physical touch was a love language that I could only really tolerate with those closest to me.
However, by the end of my time in South Africa I had adopted the culture of hugging frequently and with so much genuine love and kindness, it wasn’t an easy road to find myself on but it became second nature.
So, you’ll understand the struggle when I returned home to a different culture and a pandemic that told us not to hug one another. It’s something I genuinely thought I would never struggle with but I’ve never wanted hugs as much as I have these last few weeks as we’ve navigated yet another outbreak and lockdown.
I’m with you…
If you’re like me right now and you’re not okay, if your emotions are too big, if you just need a giant hug and release of emotions -
I see you,
I feel you.
It’s okay to admit you’re not okay. A wise woman who I love so much preached a powerful word a few years ago that’s sat with me and one of her points was that she wished we would admit when we aren’t okay.
So I challenge you to join me in responding to people’s questions with genuiness instead of platitudes and recognise when we aren’t okay.
I am a Young Salvationist who lives in Upper Hutt, Wellington. I am passionate about enhancing the life experiences of others and do this in my paid employment as a Support worker for those with Intellectual Disabilities and as a volunteer leader for GirlGuiding New Zealand. I love to create, write and travel the world and have a passion for submerging myself in the cultures of each place I travel. I left my heart in Africa a month before Covid sent the world into lockdown and I cannot wait to be able to return and serve in a continent that stole so much of my heart.